#hi please validate me

[heymacy]

IAN GALLAGHER + his journey with bipolar disorder

╰┈➤ “At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

[cellyjubes]

saw this tweet and immediately thought of their dynamic in mgs4

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

On Kurapika's Self-Imposed Isolation

While I recognize that probably everything I'm about to say is going to be super obvious, I just wanted to briefly touch on Kurapika's self-isolation, and the reason behind his not picking up his phone or exchanging anything more than clipped words and business after Yorknew.

I think the obvious answer is that Kurapika doesn't want his friends in harms way, or to be used as a bargaining tool against him. This is an understandable and probably accurate conclusion. After all, Gon and Killua did get taken hostage, and Kurapika was forced to negotiate an exchange. Chrollo picked up on Kurapika's "weakness" right away - that he values his friends' safety before his revenge. Fortunately for Kurapika in this situation, Pakunoda was a whole lot more similar to him than he would've cared to admit, as she placed a value on Chrollo's life even though everyone in the Spider was intended to be replaceable. So, now that he's been through Gon and Killua having potentially gotten killed or seriously hurt, and Chrollo knows that he has a soft spot for them, it does make sense that he would try to push them away for their safety and for the sake of not having an exploitable "weakness" in future. He may also not want to burden them more when they have their own lives to live - he does slip off without telling Gon and Killua for the sake of not distracting them from Nen training, after all.

Except that he already tried all this earlier in Yorknew arc. He tried to tell them they shouldn't get involved, and they all agreed that the risks were massive - but his friends agreed to undergo the risks anyways to help him. Kurapika was even grateful for it - "I have been blessed with good friends."

So, for him to push them away solely for this reason after the fact, knowing that this was very much a likely situation to happen, is a little odd to me. Kurapika knows full well that Leorio would be frustrated, Killua would be offended and Gon would worry. So, I think there's a little more to it than that, and I actually would venture to say that "keeping his friends out of danger" is more a secondary reason for his actions - one that would come across as more of a reasonable excuse to others.

The primary reason is likely a lot more selfish than that. Kurapika has to ensure his mission comes first. And unfortunately, he is fully aware that his path and choice in abilities is deeply self-destructive.

Kurapika needs to make sure that he doesn't have exploitable weaknesses, sure, but he also just as much needs to purposefully worsen his headspace - and he can't do that with those three around.

Think back, what are the happiest moments we see from Kurapika in the series? The one that comes to mind first, and the one I'm sure most of us will think of immediately, is this:

[ID: A screenshot from the 2011 anime adaptation. Kurapika smiles - he looks at ease. End ID.]

It's one of the sweetest scenes of the series imo, right before the whole group is reunited for the first time since the Zoldyck Family arc, and it's even more notable because it comes immediately on the tail end of this...

[ID: Three panels from HxH Chapter 101. Kurapika removes his contacts over the sink. His expression is distant. End ID.]

...and this...

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A close up of Kurapika's vacant and furious expression, his eyes wide and dangerous as he says "It might as well be you." Though the art is in black and white, it's apparent his eyes have gone scarlet. End ID.]

...and this.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A distant Kurapika speaks on the phone on a rooftop at night, the cityscape of Yorknew around him dark, but speckled with lights and stars. He says "The Spiders are dead." His face is not visible to the reader. End ID.]

This is, up to this point in the series, Kurapika at his lowest. In contrast to Gon, who is happy to hear that the Spiders are dead already because now Kurapika can focus solely on finding his peoples' eyes, Kurapika... is clearly not happy - and that's because killing the Spiders himself isn't just revenge. It's penance. It's survivor's guilt. Kurapika's powers, which Izunavi even comments sound much like he is chaining himself in the process of chaining his enemies, are oh-so-beautifully prophecied to destroy him - and Kurapika was aware of this from the moment he set off down this path of revenge.

(As a side note, this is why I'm really hoping we see Gon and Kurapika interact again after the Chimera Ant arc - while Gon has always been pretty attentive to Kurapika's emotional state, in Yorknew, he lacks a true understanding of why Kurapika would go so far... but as of now, he understands rage fueled by guilt and grief all too well. I know we're all rooting for Leorio to reach Kurapika, but barring that, I really think Gon could get through to him - after all, they are similar in several ways, and I find it fairly apparent that Gon reminds Kurapika of Pairo.)

But back to the main point here - I do suspect Kurapika expects (if not wants) his revenge mission to destroy him. I think a lot of times, we forget just how young Kurapika is, and how much his character is dictated by honour, and the abandonment of it.

Certainly, he can and will go against his principles for the sake of his mission... yet, almost paradoxically, he's bound to his promise to his fallen clan; a promise to avenge them made in anger.

But Kurapika... doesn't come across as a naturally angry person to me at all.

He seems like the stoic, vengeful type on his initial introduction... and then we get his panic at Gon's recklessness

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 2. Kurapika and Leorio wear matching expressions of panic in front of Gon, calling him out for his recklessness. End ID.]

...and his near-immediate forgiveness of Leorio after getting the first inkling of his character - of someone who cares just as fiercely as he does.

And after that point? Almost all through the Hunter Exam? Kurapika smiles so readily at them. He's sharp and funny. He mediates at times, but is stubbornly prideful in others. He's very amused by his friends' antics, and it really does seem like he starts to enjoy himself, with them. And, more than that, he counters Leorio's initial impression of him as an independent loner - on several occasions. He decides to follow Gon because Gon intrigues him. Asides from Gon, it is Kurapika who is the most unwilling to fight each other at the bottom of Trick Tower. Kurapika who makes the first move to team up with Leorio, even though that arrangement benefits Leorio much more than it does him. Kurapika who refuses to abandon Leorio to his fate in the cave, and who checks on Gon after noticing his bad mood. Who was furious enough watching him get beat down by Hanzo that his eyes went scarlet for the first and only instance outside of Spider mentions and Emperor Time. Who quite readily detoured to help rescue Killua.

[ID: Three screenshots from the 2011 adaptation Hunter Exam arc. In the first, Kurapika smiles at a sleeping Leorio. In the second, Kurapika stifles laughter as he pretends he's asleep. In the third, Kurapika has an open-mouthed smile as he acquires the airship tickets for them, Leorio and Gon standing behind him. End ID.]

Look at him! He's so bright! So happy!

...too happy. Too happy to do what he promised himself he would do. And that's his biggest fear, isn't it. Without his rage... what is he left with?

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 2. A close up of Kurapika's eye as he says "I do not fear death. What I fear is that my rage will one day fade away." End ID.]

Kurapika is far, far less mired in anger when he's with his friends. I actually dare to say that at certain points, he was able to go for lengths of time without thinking much about it - alternating between almost forgetting in one instance and being hit like a sledgehammer on exposure to a reminder in the next. This violent swing is... actually the beginnings of the natural process of healing from loss and trauma. But to Kurapika, who's made a promise to his people's memories, this is not a relief. This is betrayal.

I think that actually scares him, that he can almost picture it. A life beyond his guilt. That he, too, could learn to be happy, even after unimaginable loss.

And so, as Kurapika continues his mission offscreen, finding more and more gruesome reminders of the cruelty inflicted on his people and losing more and more pieces of himself in the process (in his own words, no less), he prioritizes his responsibility to them, and pushes away his distractions. He cannot be a soul at peace until his work is done; he must be in turmoil. He pushes people away who he cares for, and binds himself, and keeps his people's eyes on him, quite literally, because respite, for him, is unacceptable. Perhaps that guilty part of him even hopes, by the end of this, that his soul will be so unrecognizable as to be fundamentally unsalvageable. But the truth of the matter is, or at least what comes across to me, is that Kurapika cares much more fiercely than he hates. He knows what matters most. And for as long as he does, he still hasn't truly lost himself.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 350. Kurapika looks down at baby Woble with a gentle, yet complicated expression. The inking is somewhat softer. End ID.]

Kurapika's soul is kind, really. And it wants to heal - but for the sake of his mission, he needs it damaged and bleeding. And so, he forces himself to exist in that pain. All alone.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 344. Kurapika, dressed in a black suit, sits with his back to the reader, looking down at a photo in his hand. He is slumped a little before the church vigil he has prepared, all his clan's eyes lined up in their jars and honoured with flowers and candles. He thinks to himself "There is no home for me to return to... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing left." End ID.]

[sad-leon]

some finding home au incorrect quotes <3

thank you tea for sending me some of these in discord, and the last one was yoinked from a pm seymour video :P

Link to the au if anyone's curious

[protect-namine]

yingdu episode 5 spoilers

ohhh my god this is everything I want from cheng xiaoshi. yes. perfect. sorry, but I'm a cheng xiaoshi whump liker and link click always brings out the best of them in episode 5 of each season.

there's just something cathartic about how when cheng xiaoshi becomes an emotional mess, it's also when he's most disconnected with the people he knows (physically, as he's diving in a photo and his only link to his home timeframe is a disembodied lu guang in his head) but it's also when he's most connected with strangers (when their own personal trauma lines up with his). to me, it's a showcase of empathy and a strange manifestation of his own agency. something about how the disconnect gives him the space to blow up, and the connection heightens it and grants him permission, almost, to express his anger more freely for his own sake and for another person's behalf.

like. listen, okay, I'm gonna ramble now because cheng xiaoshi is my favorite character in this entire show, but listen. sometimes some fans will conflate adjectives to his character that are usually associated with his character archetype, but they aren't necessarily true about him as a character. and I don't mean it in a, "he's not like that because he grows out of those traits" kind of way. I mean it in a, "he was never like that" kind of way.

one of those adjectives, for me, is when people call him immature. he isn't! to me! imo! he's got big emotions, yes, but I personally don't think the presence of big emotions indicates anything about maturity. because you know what? as long as his primary trauma (feelings of abandonment) isn't touched, he is very good at handling interpersonal conflicts, and that's what's interesting to me.

qiao ling hides relevant information from him? he removes himself from the situation to give himself space and sort out his feelings. he tells her he's fine and that he'll be back.

post-earthquake arc? I'll just copy paste what I already said in a previous ask:

what initially got me was when I was first watching S1, I thought the earthquake arc would have devastating effects on [shiguang's] relationship. listen, I didn’t know what I was getting into with link click, but I thought that was expected. it’s ripe for drama! but how do they handle the fight? they put their side business on hold but they still keep being roommates. they still do their day job. they still talk. they’re still upset but they give each other space but not to the point where they can’t stand existing in each other’s spaces. that’s when I realized that oh, they really trust each other. they have a very solid foundation for their relationship that not even the earthquake arc can break. they’re pretty level-headed about this, actually, all things considered? all the doomed yaoi stuff came later, but that’s just the cherry on top. it’s the way they handled conflict and disappointment in S1 that got me.

okay, protect-namine, why go through that whole tangent? BECAUSE! circling back to yingdu episode 5, we finally, finally get to see cheng xiaoshi let out some of his anger. and it's precisely because his primary trauma point was on the table. he can forgive a friend lying, and he can forgive being told not to change the past. because at the end of the day, qiao ling and lu guang stayed. they never left him.

but he cannot handle abandonment. he cannot understand why people leave. he cannot understand why he's been clinging on to false hope this entire time. and more importantly, he cannot understand how someone can be such a hypocrite about it. "a man who'd rather be kind to strangers than face his own son" like fuck man. cheng weimin you fucked up so bad.

it's the disconnect/connect thing again too. thematically, it makes sense. when does cheng xiaoshi blow up? when he's alone, far away from the people that ground him. alone, the feeling he hates the most. he's not even in his own body. he blows up when he's inhabiting a stranger's. he doesn't even get to be angry as cheng xiaoshi.

how fucked up is that. man. I love him so much.

also I'm going crazyyyy over the family themes going on in link click. much to say about the show itself across all seasons (the twins, qiao ling and cheng xiaoshi, even the liu siblings), but for this episode... god. okay this is slight speculation territory now and I'll try to keep this very short, because this is only tangential to the post. but. imagine xia fei getting the good parent figure in cheng weimin that cheng xiaoshi never had. and he doesn't know!! he's bitter inside about his dad and he's having hotpot with xia fei and he doesn't know he was in that school!! fuck that's so good. that's so juicy.

okay, sorry, I have a lot of feelings about cheng xiaoshi. he's my link click blorbo of all time, and I love when he experiences The Horrors™ because it's also when other sides of him gets to shine.

on a brighter note:

VEIN AND CHENG XIAOSHI MEETING AGAIN!!! their greeting was so cute. also omg does xia fei know? that his boss is maybe possibly a cannibal? actually, wait, I don't think I'd be surprised if he does know.

ah and finally. finally:

I've been having many thoughts on how yingdu approaches "friendships" and their transactional nature (mostly with regards to liu xiao) but I mostly thought they're headcanon stuff. but now. I'm so so happy that episode 5 is bringing out more of the quid pro quo theme. liu xiao with the gift giving. wang qing's "friends" (bullies) demanding her to cheat on the exam for them. and now, vein and cheng xiaoshi having a friendly greeting but also exchanging favors. so good. so good. it goes along with how there's so much handshakes and handholding this season (not just with lu guang and cheng xiaoshi, but with cheng xiaoshi and the the antagonist trio too, who have all met him by "helping" him in some way). something something trust and favors. probably something that deserves its own post though, but I wanted to point this out because I am soooo here for that. it's goes hand in hand (ha!) with the whole fraud/lies vs innocence/honesty theme this season, and deals/contracts being an equalizer to the two. very good. very tasty.

edit: ooh they also point to this in the YE6 trailer too. nice, nice. if you knew someone's true colors, would you still be their friend?

man, I love episode 5. it just hits all the stuff I personally wanted to see. the only flaw is that we still haven't seen the older version of wang qing, but yeah I kinda expected that they'll hide her until episode 6. they're giving her the liu xiao treatment from season 2. sigh. really wish she'd keep showing up in S3, we need more female characters in this show 🙏

[moeblob]

Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!

I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.

[deafknell]

hello re:zero fan. in front of you is a re:zero character. describe them and who they are as a person without mentioning or angling your analysis around subaru natsuki.

[mintypsii]

how are we feeling about the live action sanlu nation

[a-star-that-burns-brightly]

I'm going to sound like such a smartass but I'm glad I'm seeing more people express that "Huh, maybe this girl who has an entire song repeating to herself over and over again that her murder was not her fault meanwhile she-

portrays herself as a giant grotesque bug in her headspace with her victim, who she clearly still holds a high opinion of, being the only human in said headspace looking at her with visible disgust and fear,

Making this expression upon realizing what she just did

These being the lyrics that follow right after, having a moment of reconsideration

Before jumping back to trying to convince herself that she was in the right, because she put her trust in us to tell her if what she did was right or not, and the answer that came out was yes... That maybe, just maybe. She thinks that what she did...

Might have been her fault."

[saetiate]

can you imagine being dr ratio’s lil pet? he rarely gives praise so every time he calls you “good girl” or tells you how good you make him feel, it feels like warm sunlight over your skin. he’s so perceptive, knows exactly how to push and pull at you until you’re a mess underneath him. he puts a collar around your neck so everyone knows you belong to him, he can’t have anyone else thinking they have a chance.

[ywpd-translations]

Ride 805: Sohoku's morale

Pag 1

1: The banking angle is like this

2: It's like putting the weight on the very edge of the round part of the tire

3: Keep braking at a minimum

4: Right before the curve, switch one gear lower while braking

7: While taking the curve without decelerating as much as possible...

Pag 2

1: push as hard as you can when moving up!!

Pag 3

1: Shorten it....!!

2: The eight minutes distance...!!

To a four minutes distance!!

3: I can go further!!

4: Let's go!!

With everyone's strength!!

5: Woah, is that the selected team!? They passed me

Six people... no, it's seven people!?

Kyofushi joined them at the very back!!

6: Until the “lead” ahead of us....!!

Pag 4

1: The cyclists are here, there's the pack!

Do your best!

They're so colorful!

So fast!

These is the Inter High's.....

Pag 5

1: lead!!

Pag 6

2: Amazing!

They're so fast..!

They caused the wind!

Fighting!

Gooo!

Pag 7

1: The ones in the lead pulling the pack is....

2: the local from Kyushu, Fukuoka Josei!!

Kumadai is there too!!

4: So your best....!!

They looked here and smiled at us

Take the finish line ahead!!

Mokkosu!!

Pag 8

2: The finish line, huh!!

3: Yeah!!

4: The race is already turning to its final stage

5: Also this is the assembly stage now

A small climb... or after that? When Hakogaku will raise their pace and slip through the locals who are now pulling...

(Fukuoka do your best!

Kumamotoo!

They looked this way and smiled!)

Pag 9

1: the real battle for the finish line will start!!

2: It's gonna be a fight we absolutely cannot step back from!!

3: Step back? Not even a millimeter!!

4: You'll be pulling until then

Danchiku!! Kaburagi!! Team SS duo!!

Yessir!!

Yeah!!

5: I'll pull, horuaa....

6: But

7: Will Onoda-san be alright? He's exhausted for all the work he did on the mountain

Uh!! Danchiku is so considerate!! Also,this is a problem!!

Pag 10

1: Aaalright, me too

That's right!! Onoda-san

2: is basically at death's door!!

This guy...

The way he said it...

3: So-sorry... yeah...

I'm.... alright... I rested while on the long downhill earlier

4: What, are you really okay?

Oi, Issa, you're being too direct!

5: By the way, uhm.... we were in a rush when I joined you again... so I couldn't say it

7: I couldn't.... say it properly...

Pag 11

1: I'm sorry....

I lost....

4: He lost!?

We saw it on the sign board!!

5: Even though it was just around 20cm... even though I pedaled with my strength...

6: I didn't take... the mountain prize

Even though... everyone

7: sent me off

Pag 12

1: What are you talking about!! Onoda

What are you apologizing for!! Onoda-kun!!

Pag 13

1: Ima.... izumi-kun...

3: Naruko-kun....

5: I'll buy you some juice later

Ju-juice?

Kakaka!! That's not a big deal!!

Ah, but...

We

6: were fully happy that we got to send you off, Onoda-kun

Pag 14

1: You could run with Manami with all your strength, and that's good enough

3: Well, when you came back to the team all worn out and we saw the distance on the sign board, I knew that it had come true!!

5: You were even annoyed by Doubashi-san!

Ah, so that was for the mountain prize, I see

6: It raised the team's morale

That's enough

Pag 15

1: Teeh...!!

2: Yeah

Right now, the thing that will raise the morale more than anything

3: it's probably them

5: You're right, now there's

6: the water station

Pag 16

2: Onoda-san is in a pinch!!

Onoda-san is in a pinch!!

He's feeling weak, teh!!

3: I have to do something, teh..!!

Kinaka-kuuun!!

4: Onoda-san's ina pinch, teh!!

Give me all your food supplements and bottles, teh!!

Pag 17

1: Rokudaiii!!

Huh!?

So many!?

Why so much stuff!!

2: I thought you would say that, so I got ready, Rokudaii!!

Pag 18

3: I'll leave the senpai to you, Rokudai!!

4: Goooo!! Rokudaiii!!

What... that's an absurd way of delivering it

So much, on!!

What's with this guys... he delivered such a huge weight of supplies in one go!!

Pag 19

1: Ou- teh!!

2: They're perfectly in sync

Amazing

3: ….. Toji-san

4: This year's finish line...

Yeah, it's further away after the mountain stage than it usually is

From here on, after a few hills it goes on with an up-and-down

Pag 20

1: Then they'll enter a long downhill of around 5km

2: After the coastal national away they'll turn right

3: and they'll enter the town where the first day's finish line is

Pag 21

2: There are probably 10km left...

3: and after that

4: the race for the finish line will start

Pag 22

1: And those who are most likely to win will move!!

There's still more

Th-thank you

That must be heavy

6: There are 12km left until the finish line

[hanzajesthanza]

i’m sure i said this already but regis swearing when quoting angoulême’s phrases is too dangerous. he could bypass his social etiquette, if only he prefaces it with “as our darling young angoulême says”

[imcreatingchaos]

I think it’s a very popular fandom view, at least on Tumblr (god bless Reddit) that Light was literally moaning from L “massaging” his feet, and that’s very fun and valid but I honestly never saw it.

I always saw L as being purposefully rough at first, generally because he was upset and depressed at the thought of death and also because he instinctively knew that Light was going to be the cause of it (thus he wanted to take it out on Light by giving him a small dose of pain in return) and Light was groaning in pain… because it genuinely hurt. But he’s not one to back down either so he relents, which is a mistake because now he’s confronted the physicality of what he’s doing, and death (especially L’s death) becomes less of an abstract concept as he is grounded and present in the moment.

[Not necessary ———> There’s actually a lot less internal monologue in this scene from both of them so it actually applies both ways, in my opinion. It’s interesting to me that L was the one to initiate after slight contemplation but he’s also the one who engages more with sensory pleasures (having a big sweet tooth, freedom in what he wears, stuff like sucking on his thumb or biting his nails which is not socially acceptable but actually very grounding) so it tacks. And thus Light is brought out of his head.]

Anyways, L is subtly angry, and mocking, but when Light returns his pain with gentleness… he does not expect it. And it is more torturous for him than if Light had just acted apathetic/antagonistic, because now he has to confront the fact that he was wrong about the hubris of Kira for once, —that Light was, in his own way, opening up, by choosing to engage with the moment instead of retreating into his head. Actions over words, because they always lied with their tongues and not with their bodies.

L then stiffens, jaw clenched, eyes widening. He says ‘sorry’ and he MEANS it. When he recovers and starts wiping Light’s feet again, he is gentler and Light is not groaning anymore (he has no reaction on his face that suggests pain, at least) and he watches L, intently.

Which if course could all mean nothing.

[braincloggedwithcats]

Hey . Kissing repulsion is always ok. If you're kissing repulsed you're awesome and I care you. It doesn't make you silly, it doesn't make you childish and you deserve respect. It doesn't matter why you're kissing repulsed, if you have a reason at all, how old you are or how much or little you can tolerate, you're not hurting anyone and it's ok. I'm sorry if you've been made to feel bad for it, I'm sorry if you've ever made yourself feel bad for it, I'm sorry it's so hard to avoid. You're cool and you're allowed to feel however you want about it and that should be respected. You're ok

[moeblob]

I spent 3 hours replying to this anon simply to say "everyone gets a Vaporeon (except Sylvain)".

[welcometogrouchland]

Noticing that TV and film will often have a character either have had an abortion in the past that isn't showcased on screen (and just used as part of the character's ~fucked up and twisted backstory~) OR contemplate getting an abortion in the present day but not to through with it. Just once I want to see someone delete that fetus within the events of the plot and not be like. Extremely majorly punished for it and/or be in the wrong